She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
