One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
