I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
