Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
