so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
