We won't sleep together?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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