____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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