I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
