I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
