My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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