His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
