Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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