I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
