Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
