my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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