She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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