I faked an abortion last night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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