you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
