you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
