My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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