Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
