That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
