mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
