whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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