oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
