im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i drank out of a bidet.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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