that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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