Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
