mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
