Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
