I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
