Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
