We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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