the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
