my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
