Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
be right there i have to get my cape
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
