I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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