fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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