Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
