What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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