dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
