Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
