thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
