I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
