I hate all girls vehemently.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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