Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
