Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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