DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
