Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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