I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
